You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
