Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
