My nipple is on Facebook.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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