You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
