Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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