the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
