like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
