ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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