There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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