I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
