The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
