My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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