My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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