Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
