Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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