I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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