Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
