well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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