You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
