I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
