what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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