YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
as a side note pls kill me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
