he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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