You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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