my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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