Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
