you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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