I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
