ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My feet surprised me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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