i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
