Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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