Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
ttyl tear gas
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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