I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize