I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
