No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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