he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
