How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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