I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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