I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
