How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
