i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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