I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
