I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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