I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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