I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
