i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
