A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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