I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize