im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
