I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
