So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had to cum in my sink.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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