ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Soap is not a condiment
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
