where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you inspire me to be a worse person
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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