dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
