he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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