i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
even my farts smell like vagina
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
